I’ve taken a hiatus from my blog recently. There are a lot of things in my life which have taken precedence, and I’ll admit, I’ve kind of temporarily checked out of living, not just blogging. It’s been one of the last things on my mind. I guess this is just some sort of explanation as to what’s been going on, mostly to myself.
I recently went down to four days a week at work, out of choice. I was working, volunteering, blogging, freelancing, travelling, socialising, attending events for Big Deal and festivals/shows for my music journalism. In all honesty, I was being spread too thin; so I am really grateful for being able to do this, because I was under so much pressure. I have seen a different side to it though since it became a reality. I thought having time would give me my inspiration back, and allow me to feel happier and get more stuff done. Whilst this is true to some extent, recent events have shown me that it’s more a case of getting my priorities in line, because until you do that, you can’t really achieve a lot.
Without going into too much detail, I was even more recently the victim of violent crime. My close friend and I were in London, just minutes from his house in a very nice area, when we were attacked. It might be something I discuss in more detail in the future, but right now I would find that counterproductive. I think the main thing I am learning from the ensuing trauma is how fleeting life, our relationships, and our cares can be. I’m physically fine, but things could so very easily have been different. I could have lost everything, and I am so grateful that I didn’t. Sure, I’ve bitten down my nails, I’m now without several of my belongings, and I’ve even shed half a stone along with all my energy, but things could have been a lot worse. The last couple of weeks have admittedly been some of the worst of my life, because of the fallout, but also because they’ve brought so many other things to the surface. I’ve actually not worked a day since, in any capacity.
I’ve always been a strong believer in pushing yourself to be the best you can be, and thankfully, I’ve always had a drive that I’ve been proud of, allowing me to achieve for myself and others. However, if truth be told, I’m ashamed to say that this has turned to apathy lately. I’d be lying if I said it was just because of what happened to me and after doing some soul searching, I know that this isn’t necessarily the case. This experience has been life changing to say the least; but it’s been a culmination of things which has led to my new outlook, and I have to be honest with myself. 2015 just isn’t the best in general.
Cards on the table? I’m not happy, and it’s because I’ve not been upfront with myself. I moved to an area I despise just over a year ago, and despite giving it my best shot, I know it’s just not for me. I dread each and every single day, and for the sake of others, I make sacrifices. I’m scared of living with regrets, and I’m scared of feeling like I wasted my twenties, and the opportunity to feel alive again. I don’t want to grow up too fast, full of things I should have done, or could have done. That’s not me, and sometimes we all have to reconsider the things we thought we wanted, based on where we’re actually at in life.
The gap from blogging is just one small aspect of the puzzle that currently is my life. The truth is, I’m not simply a ‘blogger’, nor am I a word factory, or a straight up marketer. Writing was once my escape, how I process things, and my outlet – my passion. When I don’t have a healthy outlet, I turn to less healthy vices, and end up making stupid decisions. Whilst the above activities are the things I’m lucky enough to get to do to pay my bills, sometimes my focus is in the wrong place.
This post is from the heart, and feels more like I did it for ‘me’ than anything I’ve written in ages. It’s not my most creative post, but I am truly expressing myself again. I haven’t optimized it, or researched the title, added images, or written anything particularly responsive to anything other than my own life. I hate that I lost sight of it all and started focusing more on things like money and metrics and prestige, rather than just enjoying the fact that I’ve been a natural writer for as long as I remember. It’s the same with other things I care about. Music, travel, food and even friendships have always inspired me, and I want to feel that again, as opposed to feeling nothing.
I’m not running away from my career or life choices. If anything, I’m lucky to be doing what I love which is something most people can never say. I’m not naive, I’m never going to make myself into a starving artist. My head may be in the clouds and I may romanticize everything, but deep down, I’m a realist! However, things do need to be different. In all honesty, it’s not just about where I live, who I’m with, or what I do. It’s about finding myself again and being able to live with that person no matter what. I’ve been battling between settling down, and putting myself out there to new things. I like to be responsible, but I also like to have fun. I’ve kind of realized that I can do all of this, I just need to quit complaining about my circumstances and work on them instead; see what works, and what doesn’t. I have a lot to appreciate, I just need to figure out how again.
So from now on, no more excuses. I’ve always advocated the mantra that if you don’t like something, you need to change it. I don’t have all the answers, but going forward, health and my happiness come first, one step at a time. For once, I’m going to let myself be selfish, at least until I have myself figured out. Life’s too short, and the rest will follow. I just need to believe.